Further Notes On Scotland

Right then, time to go through my load of experiences over the last week or so and sum them up in one ginormous blog post. As far as photos and videos go, that'll have to wait until tomorrow or something, as I forgot my transfer cable back at the hostel. As for the rest of it, I'm working off memories and pictures from the phone so I may be jumping from thought to thought en masse. Well, then, off to the races, giddyapp!

Evan, the bro with the 'fro, you'll definitely like this one. Now be patient, because there's a story behind it as well. While I was in Scotland, I decided to do a 3 day guided tour around Scotland and the Isle of Skye. The company was called Haggis Tours, and boasted a trip featuring Wild and Sexy Scotland. With marketing like that, how could I go wrong? Well, luckily this story does not follow the general pattern of prose in the world today. There is no downturn, no unfortunate circumstances, no events leading to the catastrophic failure of my vacation. Simply put, the trip was phenomenal. But, there will be more on that later, for I have a point to reach considering Heirey Coos.

Heirey Coos, you know, Heirey Coos, right? What do you mean you don't know what a Heirey Coo is? You've never heard of a Heirey Coo? Bah, then we, and by we I mean I, need to explain what a Heirey Coo. So considering this might be some form of code, you need to follow my simple steps to decipher what I mean:

1. Remove the first 'e'.
2. Replace 'e' with the ancient heiroglyph for 'sun'.
3. Flip 'Coo' around so you get 'Ooc', leaving the 's' on the end.
4. Change 'y' to 'v'.
5. Mark the word with an asterisk.
6. Stand on your head.
7. Spit nickels.
8. Go talk to Corey Conrad in produce while hopping on one foot.
9. Run around the town naked.
10. Disregard everything you have read (and possibly done) and simply replace both words with the phrase 'Hairy Cows'.

Give yourself a pat on the back, you're done with the translation. If you've followed all of these steps to the letter I will certainly hear about it on the news tonight and will then contact you in order to congratulate you on being one of the most obedient 'sheep' I've ever met. Of course, I'm kidding, so then on with what I mean by Heirey Coos, Hairy Coos, or Hairy Cows.

Hairy Cows are more commonly known as Highland Cows. They stand about as tall as a regular cow, maybe somewhat shorter than a beef cow, but not by much. They are usually covered in a shade of long brown hair all over their bodies, much of it covering their faces. Since i don't have pictures up yet, have you ever seen those little dogs with the crazy long hair? The ones that look like you could make them run around the house and complete all of your sweeping for you. Right, with that in mind, give them a bigger muzzle, increase their size about two-hundred times, add hooves, give them an 'emo' haircut, and add long horns on either sid eof their head. Now you have a Heirey Coo, or Highland Cow, to be more precise. The critters are rather cool, and they're everywhere in Scotland. We stopped to see some first on the side of the road in the Isle of Skye, and got quite close to them actually. They seem to be very tolerant, not moving too much, and very groovy in general. There was a going challenge to see who could run up and mount one to ride back to town, but of course, the horns were quite the deterrant. This was especially so after one of the Aussies on the tour mentioned he had just been to the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona (I think that's right) and someone was killed and another badly trampled. Needless to say, sprouting off chorouses of 'Here Hairy Coo!' were about as close as we got. I heard later that another tour got to actually pet one, but thein one was enclosed, and therefore more predictable.

Now, why did I just tell you about the Hairy Highland Cows, Evan? The answer, is in the horns. All over the world, there are strange aphrodesiacs, love potions, stimulants, downers, perception-altering drugs, and generally something to enhance every sensation you might want. Now, I have no idea if this is true or not, but our tour guide, Tony, gave us this information. he said that if you grind down the horn of a Heirey Coo and snort it, not only would you have 'coo-caine', but you would also have a very powerful aphrodesiac. Needless to say, he was definitely joking about getting us some and all that, and I'm pretty sure he's lying about the actual resultant effect. however, for a few moments there, I was seriously looking at wrestling a few Heirey Coos to divest them of their cranial fixtures. So Even, when you travel the world, I expect to head about strange dissappearances of Hairy Coo Horns in Scotland at some point. Ha ha ha.

Right then, to the next point of business, namely, Loch Ness. Actually, I'd like to start with some weird names once again. We dicussed on the bus what all the names actually mean translated into English. Loch simply means Lake, and Ness is the area where the lake is, so 'Lake of Ness'. Pretty simple, right? Well then, translate for me Loch Lochie. Have you got it yet, if not, it goes to the tune of 'Lake Lakie'. And we thought Newfoundland was bad at naming places sometimes, sheesh! Also, if you seen something called Eilean m that means Island of . But now I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to Loch Ness. Amazing place, superb, spectacular, breathtaking, and could do with some excitement from time to time. There's not much going on around there, though it is definitely 'the' tourist attraction around the area of Inverness. It brings in Millions of dollars a year in tourism, which is nothing to sneeze at. But honestly, I would rather have just rented a Kayak and gone out on the water paddling. It was clear as glass one time we passed, though the others were less than optimal as the lovely 100% humidity Scotland is known for kicked in and kicked our soaking wet butts. So, I didn't see Nessie, and no, I didn't see anything unusual happening around the area. Cut, paste, moving on to Eilean Donan, among other things.

The tour itself was filled with jokes, laughter, limerics, music from all eras, and general tom-foolery all around. Our 'Clan' mates and guide bonded together well considering we had people from China, Hong Kong, Venzuela, Italy (noisy buggers they were, always yelling and drunk), Aussies, and of course, one lonely Canadian and two Americans, if I counted correctly on my mental tally. There were hikes involved, which had me and my water-proof hiking boots helping a few people out as we made our way around an ovean area into a cave were Bonnie Prince Charlie hid out. If you want his story, you'll have to ask me later, as that could take up a blog post into itself. Oh, another story to remind me of is Saucy Mary. I now have a new term of endearment for the monarchy, the Queen. She will now and forever more be known on Haggis tours and in my heart as 'Sweaty Betty'. Yes, I thought that amazingly funny as well. Now quit yer laughin' boy and keep readin' the wee words laid down here. Eilean Donan was one of the Castles we visited over on the Isle of Skye. Really neat, it was built by a Monk who came over to convert people. Apparently there was better money then in Monkhood, or some guy just built a castle after he was there. In any case, it wasn't the original castle unfortunately, but definitely a great reproduction. You'll get the pictures later, now quit wining!

If you end up over here at a later date though, you definitely have to try and find a certain beer. There's a story with this one too, that comes from Tony's perspective. He said that one time he was speaking to some Mexicans and he mentioned they had a beer called Sheep Shagger's Beer. The two Mexicans looked perplexed for a while, then asked him what he meant. Tony said, 'You know, like...' and made some rather suggestive movements with his hands and hips. The look of dawning struck the Mexicans, and they said ... you're gonna have to ask me to send you the rest of this story, as I'm still trying to keep this PG rated material. Needless to say, it involved poultry, and a favorite four letter word of Robin Williams when doing his 'Golf' skit. I nearly pissed myself at that point, and I hope you won't hold that against me. Actually, why would you, I'm sure you've almost pissed yourself by now as well. Here's another terminology for you, dealing with Castles in Scotland. There are over 1200 castles in Scotland, ranging from small and simple to large and ominous, and other recreations that look like castles but aren't because they now have windows in them. Not exactly what you want to put in a building to keep invaders out, eh? But if you go around to see the castles, eventually you'll get the ABC syndrome. Most times this syndrome is accompanied by copious amounts of cursing, but directly translated, it means 'Another Bloody Castle' Syndrome. All of these terms I give credit to Tony, one of the funniest guys I've ever met in my entire life, and probably the best Sean Connery impersonator I've had the chance to listen to.

If you want to sound like 'Sir' Sean Connery, here's how to do it:

1. Pinch an invisible ball, about the size of a large marble, between your thumb and first finger in front of you.
2. Pop that ball into your mouth, leaving it open slightly.
3. Slide your lower jaw forward.
4. Anunciate your S and X in Sexy as an 'sh' shound, lowering your voice to the desired level.
5. For the pronunciation of 'dirty', roll your R and 'ty' should be pronounced 'tay'.
6. Have fun with it!

Oh, and I've got plenty more saying and such for those of you over the age of PG-13 ratings when I get home. As for now, I'm going to clue this one up and get out of here. Time to drop off some stool samples to the doctor for processing. Okay, so you didn't need to know that, but tough cookies. My blog, my rules. Ha ha ha.

Later gators, and the invitation is still open to join me when you can.

Neal